Today is prob. the first birthday i have had since i was nine that i am excited about. not because anything special is happening because nothing is. but because when you are healthy and excited about life and your own future then birthdays are not a reminder of everything bad.
that is prob. the healthiest thing i have ever typed in this here journal thingy. Its weird but when i moved down to New Orleans i expected it to save me. That i would be doing so much good that i would feel great about myself. but that didn't happen.I do a lot but non of it in the grand scheme is more important then what everyone else is doing down here. what has changed me is watching people go through this whole process. watching the strength determination and faith it takes. Watching how gracefully they all handle these tests and situations that would kill or drive most to insanity. its all that that made me realize that our problems, our dissatisfaction with life is so unfounded for the most part. whether its chemical or social or just our natural demeanor we need to try harder to apreciate all that we have been given and allowed. coming down here made me feel worse about myself. made me reevaluate my self-image, my goals, my morals,and especially my relationships.Once i did that i found that the things that made me feel negative were less about inbalances and history but more that i had no patience, no graciousness.For all my lifes shortcomings, in the end i am living and healthy and wonderfully privilaged. After all that all i can ask is for the intelligence to handle what is in my control and the patience to deal with what is not.
in the end what i learned this year is that its good to understand yourself. its good to retreat into your head sometimes, but to become so enveloped in yourself that that is all you see is worse then bad( i wold call it a sin if i were religious).I learned that people are the most important things in your live. but that love can not substain a relationship (of any kind). you have to have trust, and honesty. Respect and goofiness, equal participation and a deep concern for one anothers health(even if that means limiting yourself and what you ask of the other).And maybe most importantly a duty to hold those you love accountable and responsible for their actions and decision. these defintions have helped me immensly. in my perception in how i treat others, and how they treat me.. these lessons have made me a better person. thats all one can really ask for isn't it